Poof!

I am reading The Elegant Gathering of White Snows right now. It is a reminder of my wonderful friends and too much a call to pick up and walk away. I suppose it could be said that its easy to walk away when things are hard. But at the moment I am not even sure that is what it is about. I had a wierd night, followed by pretty much the entire day in my bed with that book. I haven't finished it yet because part of me does not want to give up my "friend." Part of me does not want to face the realization that I need to make a choice. I seem to have come to a crossroads. The evidence is coming in strong against my continuing in my profession. I thought I was stronger than the rest. I figured I had a tough enough skin that I could make it, I would not end up another statistic. I am on my way to being that statistic. I have neither the patience or the enthusiasm to continue. All too often, I seem to go through such cycles. I chalk it up to mental health, but somehow it has become much more than that...I used to think all the time about how I could make it better, about lessons, about projects that I would like to do, about ways to improve my school. I do not think about those things any more. Not when I run, not when I cook, not when I come home at night, go to school or even at school. There is no love for it. And it gives me pause. Perhaps this is not what I should be doing. I have this fantasy about a little old victorian house somewhere sort of rural and remote with a wonderful garden and some livestock, perhaps a sort of B&B or retreat. Maybe I teach yoga on the side or literacy to adults. Ah, to dream.