Reasonable

I am wondering at what point things are unreasonable. It is certain I will have to teach the 4/5 combo in a dual language school. For those not in the know, that means I will be teaching 10 different subjects. Fifth grade English Language Arts, then fourth. Fifth grade Spanish Language Arts, then fourth. Fifth grade science, then fourth. Fifth grade math, then fourth. Even high school teachers don't have to plan for that many subjects. Its not like working a job where you get a project and you put in crazy hours for a few weeks, maybe a month or two. Its non-stop for 180 days. Sure, I get holidays, right. Yeah, as if. I'm not a lawyer, I don't make 6-figures. I get summers off, you say. Fine, that's the perk. There are no bonuses, no promotions, no commissions, raises every year if you happen to be at the right point on the scale.

So, what's reasonable? I obviously don't love it enough, you say, or I would be dedicated to a fault to those kids. Is that the measure of a good teacher? In order to be that, I give up all else? I'm just spoiled, right? I've been able to have leisure time apart from my job. But here's the thing, I'm not getting paid more money to do more work. Its just expected. Is that reasonable? Is it reasonable to think I should just suck it up and do it because there are no other options? The amount of support I got this year does not lead me to believe that I am going to get the support I need to do such a challenging job. Ooo, an aide, perhaps. If I'm lucky I have to spend extra time preparing resources for them to do their job. Not helpful. A resource teacher part time. If I am lucky that they know more than me, they tend to be mired with data entry and mandating people to put up their walls in accordance with Reading First grant bullshit. Also completely useless. So negative, you say, well, its my blog, so you can quit reading anytime. This is so utterly frustrating. So quit. Yeah. The question is how. I'd be breaking contract (I think) and that does not put me in good standing with staying in education, which is still what I would ideally like. Take a year off, figure stuff out, substitute teach, work nights somewhere. Also a possibility.

Its the commute, you say. Well, yes. And no. At this moment I could give up my relationship, move closer to school and probably be just as miserable. My one saving grace all year was that I would spend my weekends in a quiet lovely place with someone I deeply care about. He could move too, yes.

Reasonable? Heh. I want to teach fourth grade for one more year (not combo,) study for my GRE, and go back to school either full or part time. This was not in the plans. This was not something I agreed to. This is not reasonable - kids, parents or teacher. This is just bulls$%# and they will never find a teacher willing to take on this job, so I guess that means I should quit. Sure, teachers do combos all the time, even I have done one previously (it sucked,) but its about the worst decision a school or district can make. It would NEVER happen like this in a school district with a lot of money. Parents would have a conniption.

Undecided

My strongest inclination has been to quit, find another job closer to home and stop the insanity of commuting. It isn't easy for me to have worked so hard to just walk away from it all and that is what I struggle with at present. And I keep eating more ice cream. Ice cream never was much of a comfort food, but that's because it made me miserable. I tried a new flavor of Coconut Bliss this weekend - Mint Galactica. If there was one kind of ice cream I loved as a kid, it was mint. I loved that funny green color of the Dreyer's Mint Chip. I found myself digging out the little pieces of chocolate from the ice cream container so I would get more chocolate per minty bite. Its way too expensive to keep up this new comfort food and not so great for my waistline, but its so yummy. The stress of things at the moment has me turning to naps, ice cream and Stephanie Plum mystery novels. Wow, I may have hit an all time high. Except the pounds that inhibit my running comfortably and the lack of motivation to do enough mileage is going to stink come marathon time. The next four weeks require me to hit it a little harder. I just sort of want to be done with everything and not have to think about it for a few weeks. I need a vacation. I haven't had a vacation since Boston and that wasn't much of a vacation - it was cold. Cold does not equal vacation for me. Extreme heat while sitting by a lake or ocean equals a vacation for me. Backpacking to some place away from others equals a vacation for me. I haven't been anywhere relaxing in a long, long time. I need one. I need to go somewhere, run, hike, eat ice cream, do crossword puzzles, drink ice cold somethings, and read trashy books. Now that's a vacation. One more week of the bull, one more week to decide what to do and make a plan. Really the plan needed to be made long ago, but I lack the motivation to do it. I can't figure out why. Usually, I make a decision and then feel this glorious weight lifted. I'm still in limbo land, so that's probably the issue. I guess because there's still hope that something else might come of all the bull @#$%, I can't let go and decide. I can't make a choice because I feel like it makes the whole last year worthless. What will it take?

Guilt + Frustration = Meltdown

I wish I were a calmer, happier person. Maybe if I were named for a flower or a season I might be a calmer, happier person. Seems to work for a friend. No. I'm named after a queen who started a war. Well, she didn't actually start it herself so much as cause fighting amongst the men. I figure this has to work into the equation somehow. Today's series of events left me spiraling into fits of rage and crying. I'm so proud. Like I said, I wish I were a calmer, happier person. Much like the person next to me who kept trying with her Pollyanna attitude to remind me of the bright side. I turned her against me. Again, so proud. JE thinks, of course, I need to talk about it because I am letting all my emotion get bottled up. I'm not sure what I would say. "Hey, by the way, you totally backed me into a corner and then started chucking crap at me!" Okay, so maybe not. There were about four people I wanted to punch in the face today and another six I just wanted to disappear. Again, proud. Why not say anything? Perhaps because I am slowly learning that my new "community" functions on a mix of overload, guilt and superiority.

Example one. In discussing ways to improve student behavior, teacher A says "Well, when this I happened I did this, see how wonderful I am, wasn't that so great of me, see how I am calm and deal with every situation perfectly." Punch.

Example two. In discussing how to involve parents more in the classroom, teacher B says, "Well, I do it this way and it works so great, don't you see how easy it can be?" No. Punch.

Example three. When confronted with a different outlook, instead of considering it, teacher C says, "Well, no I don't think its that way at all, see how silly you are, don't you get it?" No. Punch.

The response is repeated, "Well, don't you just see." No, I'm a damn seven year, you have to show me, you have to guide me, you have to make me see. K? Instead of finding a system that works and saying, "Hey, let me try to help you this year work on that so its not so frustrating/overwhelming," you're pretty much left to your own devices. Despite this place professing that they collaborate and work together. Sure, in little ways. But its the teacher way, who am I trying to kid. I go back again, is it for me? This year when a couple of teachers were struggling with the community in their class, I went in on my recess break and showed them how to do community meetings. Now we have added on two additional tasks with no plan for help or time set aside to do these things. Of course that, combined with the fact that I again have to learn a whole new curriculum and split my time between fourth and fifth graders with the same network of support, makes me very unsure. I will once again be guilted into doing things because I am young, childless and must be able to handle it. Oh, I can handle it all right, so much so that I pretty much decided I'm not going to the meeting tomorrow. Gonna fire me? Thought not, its optional see. If I do go I fear I may act like a seven year old and start dealing with my problems in the most unprofessional of ways. And I'm supposed to be the adult teacher. I know, you're so glad your kid isn't in my class...

Anger, frustration, annoyance

I tried to be okay with it. I tried to be flexible, but let's be honest here, I'm angry. I put in a hard year, did it all on my own, kicked ass and took names. I did it because I wanted to, but I did it because I knew there was a light at the end. I was going to get to have an easier time the next year and be able to fine tune the stuff that worked, rethink the stuff that didn't and focus on the stuff that was missing. Now, I have to do it again. Sure, it'll be easier because I don't have to think about some of the stuff. However, I am frustrated. Perhaps I wanted to loop with my students, but I swore I would quit if I had to teach a combo class again.

I sat in a five hour meeting today getting more and more angry. Feeling disgust and annoyance with my coworkers because they didn't have to deal with this, and they aren't people who tend to step up and ask "How can we help?" (Well, most.) I wanted my situation dealt with right away. I didn't want to figure out discipline policies or rules for the cafeteria or how we behave during our morning opening. I wanted to know what my class was going to look like and how everyone was going to support a very challenging prospect. There was a somewhat heated discussion about the best way to implement certain discipline procedures and I found myself getting annoyed about it and just picking fights on certain points that were totally irrelevant, all because I am angry. I am angry I wasn't confronted, nor the parents, about this at the end of the year that this might be a possibility. I am angry that I not only have to teach a new grade, but the old one to boot and there is no plan in place as to how this will work. Its up to me to figure it out. I am angry that I am still expected to teach a GATE class after school when there are about 7 other teachers who do not have extra activities such as this to take on.

I am frustrated because I want to say "go screw!" and probably would have if I had known that this was a possibility earlier on. Which is, of course, why I wasn't told and so now I am angry because I don't have another option. I haven't lined up another job so that I can say "go screw!" I'm not trying to be a baby about it, but honestly I have been treated in the most unprofessional way. Despite all the crap at my old school, this NEVER would have happened. People teaching combos would know before the end of the year that it was a possibility. Everyone had to take turns doing the tough shit. If you got a bum deal one year, the principal usually tried to make sure it was fair the following year. There was enough support staff to help with such issues - aides, resource teachers, etc. This time I was kept in the dark as long as possible so that I wouldn't pick my highly qualified ass up and move somewhere else.

I know it happens all the time, but I'm still pissed. I guess I'll just have to draw the line better. Just class and intervention. No GATE, no extra activities, no late nights, nada...go screw!

Ice Cream Bliss...

Every so often, I feel the need to share a particularly wonderful find. This summer's wonderful treat is Luna and Larry's Coconut Bliss ice cream. I have never been a huge ice cream person. I used to love to go to the plaza when I lived in San Miguel de Allende and get ice cream from the horse drawn wagon, but most of the time the milk bothers me. In China, ice cream was oddly flavored, but often milk free and stomach friendly. The best ice cream we had was eggplant with chocolate covering. I never quite figured that one out. I kept asking "chietzuh?" (totally spelled as phonetically as I can figure) and the response was yes. It was purple too. It was a wonderful treat at the end of a long hot day of teaching in an non air conditioned classroom.

Sometimes I buy those tofutti cutie ice cream bars because I feel like a different dessert. They're small and my boyfriend doesn't eat dessert (huh?) so I can't end up overeating. Really they are only kind of good. This new ice cream, however, is divine. Sometimes I like cold ice cream with strawberries or some other summer berry as a dessert. As I said before, I can't really do the milk thing. I tried the Coconut Bliss vanilla. It has a pretty strong coconut taste, but I really like coconut. Then I tried the dark chocolate. YUM! My standard dessert is a square of dark chocolate and some tea. Summer doesn't really elicit feelings of warm tea. But now we have glorious dark chocolate ice cream - plenty creamy and rich, not overly sugary, and free of milk. If you go to their website they claim all sorts of health benefits from coconut, too. Needless to say, I was pretty excited about this find. It will keep me happy during the next few months and undoubtedly help my marathon training.

In other news, today I found out some news about my class next year. I had prepared myself for this possibility. I had gone over in my head all the possible solutions and pretty much came to the conclusion that I would be teaching a 4/5 combo next year. It sort of stinks after such a challenging year being ALL on my own to have to go through that again. I was really looking forward to having someone share the burden. Having the same students is not a big deal. Moving classrooms is not a big deal. Feeling like I am without support again, well, that sort of stunk. But I am getting pretty aggressive about making my needs known and everyone, parents and administration, know that I will do a great job. Many of them even asked if I would be going to 5th grade. Looks like they go their wish.

Let the Games Begin...

Schools out. I spent my first official day off cleaning house - thrilling. Cleaned for about an hour in the morning, then sat down with my book and coffee and promptly fell back asleep. Got up and finished cleaning. Just sort of felt like sitting around and doing nothing. I read some more and now I need to go for a run/walk and do some yoga. But I'm sort of lagging. It was nice to end a very challenging year with lots of positive comments and a very generous gift from my class. A new digital camera. It came at quite an opportune time. In fact, that very morning I had been thinking about how I would like to get a new camera. My parents got me a very nice camera one year for Christmas. It was in my purse when the purse fell to the floor in an airport bathroom on a trip. It has since been duct taped to keep the battery door from coming open. It tends to get very cranky at me when I try to take pictures and they often come out blurry. It might be a nice one to donate to the school.

Top ten things I am looking forward to this summer:
(1) The Olympics. I love sports. I love the victories, the defeats, hearing the national anthems, all of it. 8/08/08 baby!
(2) Marathon training and getting down to a more ideal running weight.
(3) The lake trip. Fourth of July is always cool spent in the middle of a lake in a boat watching the fireworks directly overhead.
(4) Doing NOTHING. There will be moments when I just sit and read and sit and read and sit and read. Sweet!
(5) Tourists. NOT. They suck, they fill the streets and don't know how to drive. I won't be looking forward to that this summer. But I sure will be glad when they leave.
(6) Working on my own time schedule. You didn't actually think we took the WHOLE summer off, please.
(7) Hanging with boyfriend, friends and family. Its nice to have extra time for that.
(8) Farmer's Market. Its Wednesdays from 2-6, so I can never go. Now I can.
(9) Alone time. A break from 20 bodies needing something, time just for moi.
(10) Sleep. As much as I want, as long as I want, whenever I want. Lots of glorious, glorious sleep.

Be jealous, its okay. I won't try to pretend I'm not rubbing it in because I am. But hey, this is the trade off. Feel free to hop on board. Happy summer!