Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sleeplessness

I've had bouts of insomnia before, a few days here and there, maybe a week, this is altogether new to me. I haven't had a full night's rest in ten weeks, since the break I had in February. It started with Sunday nights, I'd fall asleep for an hour or two, then I was up and couldn't fall back asleep. Then, I would sleep for a couple of nights normally enough, 6 or so hours. It would hit again after those few nights of sleep. I knew it was really bad when at the start of my Spring break, I still couldn't sleep.

Evidently, there is a lot going on in my life. I was ready to leave my job. I was applying for new jobs. I still do not like my job, but it's not okay to want to leave or worse, to actually leave, because there are so many people who don't have jobs and are struggling, losing their homes, piled under debt, etc.. I think it has a lot to do, however, with my sleeplessness. Today, on my drive home, I envisioned screaming at my boss and telling her "I quit!" Then, I cried. I realize my problems are insignificant compared to others. I have a wonderful partner, with whom I am about to embark on a new life. I get that. Planning a wedding is stressful, for sure, but its not that stressful compared to other stuff. JE is licensed now and working on his own on the side, which is exciting for both of us, and perhaps a bit stressful. I get it, problems are relative.

Mine are keeping me up and night. I've tried doing my runs in the evening, relaxing with tea, yoga, breathing exercises, unisom, benedryl, acetaminophen, and cutting out alcohol, spicy food, and caffeine. I have now entered a pattern whereby I sleep for short periods of time, but I never actually feel asleep. I am no longer exhausted in the morning with this pattern, but I can barely stay awake driving home. Its dangerous. I drive a very dangerous road, not exactly the best place to be falling asleep at the wheel.

Its frustrating. At this point, I seem to be chasing myself. I can't sleep. I worry about that now instead of my other problems or in addition to them. Home is safe. I get here, go for a run or do some yoga, eat a healthy dinner, and read for a bit. Its almost as if the anxiety of going back to a place that isn't safe is keeping me up. Hm. Food for thought. Perhaps tonight I'll sleep on that.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Its settled then...


I realize I may be stressing out way too soon, but I think it was sticker shock. We looked at another venue this morning and it was perfect. The site coordinator was very pleasant and seemed organized, and pleased to have us there, unlike yesterday's rather bored coordinator. The site is absolutely gorgeous and includes a lot of niceties that the other sites didn't - umbrellas, heat lamps, cocktail tables near the dancing, fireplace, a bride's room with champagne and hors d'oeuvres for the bridal party. It is indoor/outdoor with great big trees all around and sweeping views. It was a little on the higher priced side, but we decided that it was worth doing the cheaper Friday event for the venue. It may exclude more people, but honestly if they want to be there, they will. If not, more cake for us.

It looks like June of 2011 is the proposed date. My mom thinks we should do it this August or September. That is certainly an idea, but it doesn't really save us any more money, unless we did Friday and August or September. They are offering $1000 off for their bookings late summer or early fall of this year, which is nice, but it doesn't make a Saturday event any more feasible. It also doesn't give much time to those on the East Coast to save money and make arrangements. Another advantage to a Friday date is that we can do something Saturday with our out of town (state) guests. So its settled.

Now that that much is taken care of, it feels like a load off my mind. I haven't been sleeping well these past months and the initial stress of planning a wedding to boot wasn't helping. I think a lot of it has to do with how toxic my work environment continues to be, and really wanting to be done there. The addition of a wedding to our life has somewhat forced me to rethink my plan of finding a new job this summer. Rain, lack of sleep, the ending of my Spring break, its making it hard to want to push through those final months and conceive another year of it. I know, boo-hoo, getting married to a wonderful man, get all this time off, life is so hard. Now if I could just get my brain to stop and rest at night.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

How do they sleep at night?

You read the estimates, you look at the suggested allocations, you create spreadsheets and run the numbers and at the end of the day its just daunting. I have assessed more than 10 different venues. I have looked at four. It is just astounding. There is a reason people opt not to do this affair. There is a reason city hall is a nice thought. After going to one of the premier wedding venues this morning, I just about died. It was just to look, we really did think it would fit in our budget. $23K was the ceremony and reception alone. That doesn't include decorations, music, and the myriad of other stuff required for a wedding. JE and I would like to have a nice party with friends and family - both of which are very important to us. We are also pretty frugal people. We make our food nine out of ten times, we walk places as opposed to driving whenever possible. We reduce, reuse, recycle. We plant our own food. We're not die hard eco-warriors or anything like that, but we are conscious of our consumption and waste and try to be mindful. We both like the outdoors, so we are thinking we'd like something that is indoor-outdoor. The venue we visited this morning completely wore us out. We both just felt numb, both cost-wise and how little it really fit into our personalities. After a not very good lunch we decided to check out one more spot that was a find by my sister-in-law. Simply put, we adored it. It is a botanical garden associated with the University. Its low-key, but could be lovely and elegant. We would be supporting something we both care about. Its not going to break the bank. Its up on the hill and if you go far enough into the garden you get some pretty spectacular views.

I think, quite honestly, after a few more just to see its not-also-a-good-pick, that I may get to quit looking. And after only a week, how delightful. I have found this process a little stressful to be honest. I will be glad when the date is set in stone and the venue is secured. I won't really be able to focus on this too much after Sunday. Its back to school, testing is around the bend, and eventually I will have to start packing up my classroom for my third move (not counting when I first moved in) in three years. Do you think they are trying to tell me something?

Monday, April 05, 2010

30% Premium

I live in a lovely, wonderful place, and today, while on spring break, got to attend a fabulous yoga class and drive home along one of the prettiest roads in the country. (Next time I'll take my bike since it won't be raining.) As the rain cleared and the sun peaked through the clouds, I couldn't help but feel just pretty darn happy. However, I pay a premium to live here.

Now, I am learning about a new premium - the cost of getting married. Our thought was to keep it local so that my beau's out of staters could enjoy a destination wedding of sorts. Fortunately, the venues we have seen so far do not have the wedding season increase, but man this stuff is expensive. We are pretty simple. It is important, as JE has said several times, that we don't create giant piles of stuff that is just going to get thrown away. He has done enough trips to the dump to know how much stuff people throw away. The idea of amassing stuff is troublesome to us as well. We would like to support local businesses, keep costs down, and be as "green" as possible. Somehow, you get going and it is somewhat overwhelming. Now that I have a little down time and have worked out possible case scenarios, I am starting to feel better and starting to sleep again.

I think I am wedding-planned out for the day and my patio and book are calling to me.