Guilt + Frustration = Meltdown

I wish I were a calmer, happier person. Maybe if I were named for a flower or a season I might be a calmer, happier person. Seems to work for a friend. No. I'm named after a queen who started a war. Well, she didn't actually start it herself so much as cause fighting amongst the men. I figure this has to work into the equation somehow. Today's series of events left me spiraling into fits of rage and crying. I'm so proud. Like I said, I wish I were a calmer, happier person. Much like the person next to me who kept trying with her Pollyanna attitude to remind me of the bright side. I turned her against me. Again, so proud. JE thinks, of course, I need to talk about it because I am letting all my emotion get bottled up. I'm not sure what I would say. "Hey, by the way, you totally backed me into a corner and then started chucking crap at me!" Okay, so maybe not. There were about four people I wanted to punch in the face today and another six I just wanted to disappear. Again, proud. Why not say anything? Perhaps because I am slowly learning that my new "community" functions on a mix of overload, guilt and superiority.

Example one. In discussing ways to improve student behavior, teacher A says "Well, when this I happened I did this, see how wonderful I am, wasn't that so great of me, see how I am calm and deal with every situation perfectly." Punch.

Example two. In discussing how to involve parents more in the classroom, teacher B says, "Well, I do it this way and it works so great, don't you see how easy it can be?" No. Punch.

Example three. When confronted with a different outlook, instead of considering it, teacher C says, "Well, no I don't think its that way at all, see how silly you are, don't you get it?" No. Punch.

The response is repeated, "Well, don't you just see." No, I'm a damn seven year, you have to show me, you have to guide me, you have to make me see. K? Instead of finding a system that works and saying, "Hey, let me try to help you this year work on that so its not so frustrating/overwhelming," you're pretty much left to your own devices. Despite this place professing that they collaborate and work together. Sure, in little ways. But its the teacher way, who am I trying to kid. I go back again, is it for me? This year when a couple of teachers were struggling with the community in their class, I went in on my recess break and showed them how to do community meetings. Now we have added on two additional tasks with no plan for help or time set aside to do these things. Of course that, combined with the fact that I again have to learn a whole new curriculum and split my time between fourth and fifth graders with the same network of support, makes me very unsure. I will once again be guilted into doing things because I am young, childless and must be able to handle it. Oh, I can handle it all right, so much so that I pretty much decided I'm not going to the meeting tomorrow. Gonna fire me? Thought not, its optional see. If I do go I fear I may act like a seven year old and start dealing with my problems in the most unprofessional of ways. And I'm supposed to be the adult teacher. I know, you're so glad your kid isn't in my class...