Quite possibly the very worst day

I have not watched much of the follow-up of the Virginia school shooting. I keep meaning to have a class discussion about it. In fact, some of the parents have asked me if we are talking about it. I could not stomach watching the news about it.

There are just too many questions. What brings a person to such a state as to act in such a horrific manner? As a teacher, you feel like you have failed at any occurrence of violence. Did I do something to lower this student's self-esteem? Could a few more minutes of my time at lunch or before school have made a difference? How do I help my students to understand the so-called "way of the peaceful warrior"? They hear and learn about Ghandi, King Jr., and Chavez, among others. We role play problem solving. We have class meetings to solve problems. We learn how to listen to one another. The behavior expectations are there. They know that if I can not trust them out on the playground to play in a safe, inclusive manner, then they can lose that privilege. We discuss behaviors that would qualify as unsafe and the consequences.

And sometimes you could talk and role-play until you're blue in the face and today would happen...

A student (first grade) from my class brought a pocket knife to school. He took it out on the playground, told some girls (also from my class) that he had it and was going "to kill them." The girls told him to give them the knife and they wanted to take it to the yard duty (good thing they've got some good sense) and when he didn't they ran off to tell the yard duty. He, in the meantime, passed the knife to another student and asked him to put it in his backpack. The other boy, wanting to protect his friend, took the knife. Then the first student told the yard duty he threw the knife in the grass. When I went to pick them up from lunch, the students were quick to tell me what happened. The second boy never said he had the knife or handed it over to me. By the time we returned to class, the VP caught up with me and both boys went with him.

I spent the afternoon with the VP talking to their parents, getting the students to tell the truth about what happened and in between calling the parents of a few students who were visibly in shock (one girl to the point of vomiting and she went home early.) The boys were suspended for different amounts of time.

Tomorrow I will wear my many hats - counselor, teacher, magician...And try to make sense of why this child felt the need to bring a knife to school and threaten his peers. There was no indication that his behavior was building up to this.

This was quite possibly the worst day of my teaching career. Despite knowing that I can not ask what I could have done to make my class safer and the students more respectful of one another, I do. I find fault in my own lack of ability to perform miracles. We are human, we fail a hundred times miserably before getting it better. And I must remember that they are still first graders. While they may understand right from wrong, they are not adults. They are children who need a lot more love and understanding and to be steered in a better direction.