Sleeplessness

I've had bouts of insomnia before, a few days here and there, maybe a week, this is altogether new to me. I haven't had a full night's rest in ten weeks, since the break I had in February. It started with Sunday nights, I'd fall asleep for an hour or two, then I was up and couldn't fall back asleep. Then, I would sleep for a couple of nights normally enough, 6 or so hours. It would hit again after those few nights of sleep. I knew it was really bad when at the start of my Spring break, I still couldn't sleep.

Evidently, there is a lot going on in my life. I was ready to leave my job. I was applying for new jobs. I still do not like my job, but it's not okay to want to leave or worse, to actually leave, because there are so many people who don't have jobs and are struggling, losing their homes, piled under debt, etc.. I think it has a lot to do, however, with my sleeplessness. Today, on my drive home, I envisioned screaming at my boss and telling her "I quit!" Then, I cried. I realize my problems are insignificant compared to others. I have a wonderful partner, with whom I am about to embark on a new life. I get that. Planning a wedding is stressful, for sure, but its not that stressful compared to other stuff. JE is licensed now and working on his own on the side, which is exciting for both of us, and perhaps a bit stressful. I get it, problems are relative.

Mine are keeping me up and night. I've tried doing my runs in the evening, relaxing with tea, yoga, breathing exercises, unisom, benedryl, acetaminophen, and cutting out alcohol, spicy food, and caffeine. I have now entered a pattern whereby I sleep for short periods of time, but I never actually feel asleep. I am no longer exhausted in the morning with this pattern, but I can barely stay awake driving home. Its dangerous. I drive a very dangerous road, not exactly the best place to be falling asleep at the wheel.

Its frustrating. At this point, I seem to be chasing myself. I can't sleep. I worry about that now instead of my other problems or in addition to them. Home is safe. I get here, go for a run or do some yoga, eat a healthy dinner, and read for a bit. Its almost as if the anxiety of going back to a place that isn't safe is keeping me up. Hm. Food for thought. Perhaps tonight I'll sleep on that.