Quite possibly the very worst day

I have not watched much of the follow-up of the Virginia school shooting. I keep meaning to have a class discussion about it. In fact, some of the parents have asked me if we are talking about it. I could not stomach watching the news about it.

There are just too many questions. What brings a person to such a state as to act in such a horrific manner? As a teacher, you feel like you have failed at any occurrence of violence. Did I do something to lower this student's self-esteem? Could a few more minutes of my time at lunch or before school have made a difference? How do I help my students to understand the so-called "way of the peaceful warrior"? They hear and learn about Ghandi, King Jr., and Chavez, among others. We role play problem solving. We have class meetings to solve problems. We learn how to listen to one another. The behavior expectations are there. They know that if I can not trust them out on the playground to play in a safe, inclusive manner, then they can lose that privilege. We discuss behaviors that would qualify as unsafe and the consequences.

And sometimes you could talk and role-play until you're blue in the face and today would happen...

A student (first grade) from my class brought a pocket knife to school. He took it out on the playground, told some girls (also from my class) that he had it and was going "to kill them." The girls told him to give them the knife and they wanted to take it to the yard duty (good thing they've got some good sense) and when he didn't they ran off to tell the yard duty. He, in the meantime, passed the knife to another student and asked him to put it in his backpack. The other boy, wanting to protect his friend, took the knife. Then the first student told the yard duty he threw the knife in the grass. When I went to pick them up from lunch, the students were quick to tell me what happened. The second boy never said he had the knife or handed it over to me. By the time we returned to class, the VP caught up with me and both boys went with him.

I spent the afternoon with the VP talking to their parents, getting the students to tell the truth about what happened and in between calling the parents of a few students who were visibly in shock (one girl to the point of vomiting and she went home early.) The boys were suspended for different amounts of time.

Tomorrow I will wear my many hats - counselor, teacher, magician...And try to make sense of why this child felt the need to bring a knife to school and threaten his peers. There was no indication that his behavior was building up to this.

This was quite possibly the worst day of my teaching career. Despite knowing that I can not ask what I could have done to make my class safer and the students more respectful of one another, I do. I find fault in my own lack of ability to perform miracles. We are human, we fail a hundred times miserably before getting it better. And I must remember that they are still first graders. While they may understand right from wrong, they are not adults. They are children who need a lot more love and understanding and to be steered in a better direction.

5.10b

I kept saying that I would try harder climbs and really challenge myself. On Monday I actually climbed some 5.10s at the gym out of town and they were more like 5.8s-5.9s at my local gym. Apparently, and fortunately, most of the route setters at my gym are actually pretty true to the outdoors. Of course, its also time to get my butt out there. Today I attempted a 5.10b. It was actually way more fun than anything I had been climbing and proved to me that I have actually improved a lot. I fell twice on the start and then got it, fell again around the middle, was completely pumped out and had to come down. I tried a second time after a break, completed the first stretch quite well, fell a couple of times at the middle and eventually after several hangs to get my strength back, made it to the top. Of course my forearms and fingers are so sore typing this post is a workout in itself.

Its quite interesting as I think about sports and my life and my friends and my students. Most of my friends were/are exceptional athletes. Maybe not in the sport we do now, but I have (and had in the past) friends who were gymnasts, swimmers, divers, runners, water polo players, triathletes, volleyball players and basketball players at a high enough caliber to impress others. Many of my female friends have taken up running and train for 10ks, half marathons, and (oddly) even full marathons. Sports obviously taught us about some important things: discipline, balance, agility, determination, perseverance, courage, friendship, goal-setting, sportsmanship, commitment, success and failure. There are certainly other ways to learn these things, but I think that for many of my friends sports played a very large part in who we became as adults. We are successful, confident, determined, risk-taking, healthy, active, caring, helpful and mostly well-balanced people. There are ways to teach a lot of those skills/qualities, but athletics is what I know best and seems to be the easiest. For many of my students this year, I think of how much they would benefit from a better integrated physical ed program than I have been able to offer them. It is not merely enough to teach them games as part of a 20 minute time period once a day. It needs to be more wholly integrated into everything we do, somehow. Of course, that's one of those time things and there is so much emphasis on reading, writing and arithmetic that often those students who demonstrate that physical/spatial intelligence do not have opportunities to shine. Now that the study about exercise making you smarter has made waves, I can dedicate a little more time each day to incorporating it into our learning...and no one can get on my case about it because there's research to prove it. I'm thinking football drills as we chant sums, like when the are in rows running in place and then have to drop and do push-ups and repeat. Let's whip those first graders into some real shape. Relax, I will stick to what I know.

(Picture from: gotolatin.com)

Healthy Day #2

I have this hot brown dress and new strappy gold sandals. However, I haven't been exercising consistently in the last months and my diet has been horrible. I never eat fast food and I had it four times in the last two weeks. Instead of cooking regular breakfast, I keep waking up late and getting a coffee on my way or some other fat-laden, calorie heavy delight. I ate a student lunch one day because I was at Open House until 9 and didn't feel like stopping to get groceries or cooking. It consisted of tater tots and chicken sticks. I finished off a bag of jelly beans between Thursday afternoon and this past Tuesday on my drive. I had several dinners that involved consecutive snacking instead of making an actual meal. We all go through this, even the most disciplined fall. Having this break has helped me get back on track. Today, I walked a mile and a half to the trail head, ran four, then walked back. I washed my car. Then I made soup. It was a cold cucumber, yogurt soup with grilled salmon and a cucumber and pepper salsa. It was delicious. Two days of a return to a more normal exercise and diet schedule and I feel lighter, healthier and rested. Its amazing what a little adjustment can do. We should all have a few days of rest every four months or so. It does wonders for the body, mind and complexion.

You're SOOO Jealous

I have managed three days without getting called in for jury duty (and now I am going to jinx it.) So today, I woke up at 9 am, did some clean up, had some coffee and a light breakfast. I went and mailed my taxes (okay, you're not jealous about that if you get a refund,) and then went to do some shoe shopping to go with my dress for bro's wedding. Then, I remembered it was farmer's market day! I went to the gym did some stretching, ran some sprints on the moving floor, did some weights and more stretching and abs. After a pretty good sweat, I showered and got in the sauna, relaxing for a good 20 minutes. By then it was time for the farmer's market. Hurray! I never go because it is either at the time yoga is on Saturday or Wednesday afternoon. Usually staff meetings are on Wednesdays. So I meandered over to the market. I got beets, English cucumbers, various herbs, lettuce, these round cucumbers, STRAWBERRIES, and a jar of these heirloom tomatoes. I came home after getting some other misc at the regular market and then I cooked. I made the most wonderful polenta, tomato and squash pie. Swirling yellow, red and green and delicious. I cooked up some polenta (add fresh herbs - rosemary and sage - and salt.) While that bubbled I sliced the round zuchinni into the bottom of the pan and covered with olive oil. When the polenta was cooked I poured it over the zuchinni, then added a layer of the heirloom tomatoes and a layer of parmesan cheese. Bake for 25 minutes more or less - VIOLA! Finish off with some jasmine tea and strawberries in a little cream and its the perfect late afternoon lunch. What a perfectly lovely day! Let's hope no jury duty tomorrow so I can do more of this wonderful dallying.

Admit it, I may not be in Hawaii, but: you're still jealous.

Trader Hater

I do not like Trader Joes. There, I said it. Hate me. I was pretty hyped up this afternoon after a long run, a healthy meal and a bath. Then I had to get gas. And I thought I would make a side trip to Trader Joes. This Wednesday is Open House and I like to have cookies and things for parents, so I thought I'd stop there. I think this often and I never seem to learn the lesson. I went in there thinking that I would find the things I wanted. But I never do. I always have the same gut-wrenching response to that place and wonder why I wasted my time. There literally is NOTHING worth buying in that place, yet I manage to buy stuff...leaving in an annoyed state because its never what I wanted. Why didn't I just go to Safeway? I am sure no one ever experiences this sense of loathing at TJs, everyone else seems to love it. Not me, I officially HATE TJs. I know, strong statement, but the place drives me nuts. Everytime I say I am not going back, I do, and then I say it again. WHY? I don't know. I guess its just the over packaging, the stale bread and hardly fresh fruit or vegetables. The food packaged as healthy, but really it isn't. So, there you have it, I am a trader hater.

Calgon, take me away

I am most assuredly ready for a break. My allergies continue and this weekend was another one spent sleeping more than anything else as ears and throat throbbed and itched. Annoying. I know, its relative. I'm just kind of done with the allergy season lasting from December until now. I know two things for sure. My allergies may be as bad. And I need an apartment with hardwood floors. If Spring break doesn't help the stress aspect of all of this, I may decide to move by May. I don't know how much more I can take. Its all really quite interesting. My body responds to stress in the worst of ways. When I had to sit at a desk all day, I dealt with chronic pain. Now, I seem to get allergies and sinus infections. I notice that when I eat well, exercise a lot, and am generally balanced, allergies and sinuses are not nearly as bad. I hope the shots do the trick, but if not, then I may have to seriously reorganize my life and figure out how to eliminate stress pretty much all together. Americans may not believe it, but honestly there is an amazing amount of pressure that I have never felt living in other countries. There are obviously trade-offs, but something has to shift because the stress is going to get us all. And life is too short to spend it feeling lousy all the time because you are too stressed. I tend to agree, although she gets a little wacky at times, with my yoga teacher. She says that we find what we love and dedicate ourselves to that, the stress dissolves. Its all about understanding the balance between what is necessary for the job and what is necessary for you. As I make my decision for next year in terms of jobs, I have to really look at my own willingness to become part of a school where I am going to work 10 hour days. I probably do that many days regardless, but the trick is knowing that I can leave if I want to and do not feel like people are looking at me like I am less dedicated. I suppose I will commit myself to knowing that at least twice a week, I will go home early. Much of my problem is organization. No matter what I do, I feel like I can not find and organization method that works for me. The beautiful thing about moving to a higher grade is getting the students to help with that, share the work and teach them values in the process. Right? I just need to take the time to organize myself in the classroom, organize myself at home and give myself some room to relax/exercise. I also hope that with older students I will not be plagued by the germies of first graders. Here's to life changes...and hoping!