A bad fit
I try to sit down and write about issues at work that keep coming up and seem to frustrate me to exhaustion. I go over and over in my head whether it could be better elsewhere or different. Perhaps it is the grade level that does not fit, perhaps the profession. Perhaps I work in a very negative environment. I am not talking negative in the sense that people are down on each other. Negative in the sense that I feel and probably others feel that we are not in this together. We are pretty much on our own and well, sink or swim, figure it out. This is my perspective. I know there are people who are oblivious because they know it can be worse and so this is better. There are people in the middle. There are those, of which I have tried to become, who just close their door and get to teaching and that is the best advocate they can be. Try as I might, I am just not built that way. It is simultaneously one of my strongest qualities and my weakest. I struggle as to where to focus my energies and never seem to find the balance that allows me to be at peace.
I guess it is kind of like the friendship I had that recently ended. I was the ender because I found myself continuously feeling hurt and exhausted by the friend's behavior. At first I felt I should fix it, work at it, apologize, forgive, be the better person, etc. Then, I was annoyed and nit picky about everything this person did and said. I seemed to be seeking out reasons to hate this friend and constantly rationalizing why it was okay I was no longer friends. It was hard for me as I am a loyal person. However, I suppose as I get older I do realize that the people around me matter. Perhaps this is analogous to my job. I do not have to keep rationalizing my failure to stick around. I do not have to listen to people who say it is better than other places. I do not think it is better for me, unfortunately. This friend was not a bad person, in fact, quite the opposite. The qualities that bothered me, just like in work, upset the balance and I was not able to find peace with this person. My own personality was at odds, and is at odds with my work situation. I identified the things that bothered me and why I was really not able to accommodate for them, and that seems to be the very same place I have arrived at with my work environment. The obvious is that I need another place, the hard part is figuring out what it is that I need to be at peace and enjoy my job.
Even harder, perhaps it is a bad fit all around. There is only one way to find out - get out and experience other stuff.
posted by Miss E. @ 5:13 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
When you get to the point where your bitterness colors all, then it is time to get out. I know from experience that there are supportive, motivating environments in which to work, but when it is not the case, you feel as if you have no control, which you do not. Working for Debra encouraged me to do one thing - say no to every request to step up and lead, direct, etc. and close my door and do what i could to teach well. With Mike, I am willing to go one for the team, because we ARE a team and I know that others will do the same, and we will all be better for it. I was asked to lead the Ca. Distinguishing School application this year and politely declined ("but I will be happy to assist!") and true enough, another just as capable person stepped up, as did a dozen other "assistants" and in a short time, a commendable app. was written.
I am commited to somehow getting all our staff on board supporting a more rigorous writing standard - both teaching to it and assessing it and holding our students accountable. I started by telling everyone how important this was - note the use of the word telling. Not successful. I then attempted to get my dept. on board and begin the process there - lots of nodding heads, some support, but no activity. So then, I find this very good website that explains how to edit student papers, so that your comments teach, rather than simply assess. I mention it to one teacher, who asks me to share it; then another, and maybe if am I lucky, I have found the back door. I cannot confront teachers because they all feel like their plate is the fullest, even if whats on it is junk food. But maybe through modeling and patience, we will come around to what we need.
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