Last Week

All done and said, I had a surprisingly good last week of summer. Despite the unfortunate situation I find myself in at school, I had a lot of good social events that softened the blow. I also think that the decision that this would be my last year (and I will continue to look for jobs all year long that fit into what I hope to do next,) has helped considerably. There is nothing more that can be done, so don't do it. I arrived to a new classroom sans furniture. It is a shell of a room - no whiteboards, no bookshelves, no cabinets, no counters, no sink, just boxes of my stuff. So there it sits, still in boxes. Boxes reminding me of how temporary this will be. In nine months time or sooner, I will no longer be there. How strange. I fought so long with this decision because I thought I was giving up. I had not made it work because I had not learned to let go. This is something I am working on.

Last weekend I went camping in Pinnacles National Monument. A completely worthwhile trip for all Californians. It has the coolest caves I have ever seen. I am a bit of a bat dork as well and was really hoping to see some - no such luck. On Tuesday we went down to the local amusement place and enjoyed a beer and watching people on the carousel. Wednesday night we played softball. Thursday I caught up with friends I had not seen in a while at a barbecue. We laughed, reminisced, were silly, ate way too much heirloom tomato salad and meat, and fell into comfortable patterns of familiarity. Friday, JE and I went to a local sushi boat restaurant and again stuffed ourselves silly. It was kind of like CSA for sushi, you pick something random from the boat and don't quite know what you will get. I always have to try the hamachi because that's my gauge as to the quality. This place rated high - fresh, reasonably priced (as sushi goes), and fun atmosphere. Yesterday I spent the day with my two wonderful girlfriends - one was visiting from New York, her new home. We took a picnic to one of the local wineries where we enjoyed a bottle, the beautiful setting, the sun, more heirloom tomato salad, several tastings, an offering of chocolate birthday cake from another group at the winery and good conversation. After they left, I met up with some other friends and JE who were out celebrating a birthday. We drank, danced, laughed and eventually called it. It was a good end to a summer of insecurity and indecision. It was much needed reminder of the things that are important in life and to me. The memories of my last week will be my pleasant reminders during those first grueling weeks of school.

Overgrown mess

(This picture is for wintermute, it actually is about 3 feet taller now, ugh.)

My lovely garden has suddenly become an analogy for my being. It is an overgrown, neglected, tangled mess that is now locked behind a monstrous fence. After ten days of vacation, from my vacation - yes, i see the hilarity, I came back to a mess. And to boot, a mess behind a locked gate. It felt so frustrating, mirroring all that I am currently struggling with, and I melted. The reality of buying a house faded, the reality of my feelings about my job resurfaced, the reality about my severe lack of motivation set in, and I just cried for my plants. My poor, entangled, locked up plants. It felt like my arms had been cut off. Perhaps a totally ridiculous response to the mess, but that's what I was - a mess. Typically I spend my summers working and playing. This summer, I find myself sitting, staring, vacant. I dread going back to work. Not because its work, but because I don't care anymore. I don't enjoy it. It isn't right. I got so caught up in thinking I could make the house happen that I didn't stop to think about the fact that I was in no way going to be able to do my job for enough years to afford the house. I got caught up in how far behind the program I felt. Not married, no house, few assets. Its amazing how easily one can "jump on the bandwagon." Who's program? Certainly not my own. My program meant travel, living abroad, finding a job I enjoy, enjoying the environment I live in and enjoying the people I care about. I spend so much time falling apart and crying over the things I detest, that all of that has fallen away. I have been told that perhaps I just won't like anything I do because its in my head. I have been told that I should be grateful I have a job. I have been told that I should just be happy. What I am doing now is making me miserable and I keep thinking I can make it better if I just try harder, work harder, work more.

There is still so much of that past generation mentality programmed into us. Married. House. Kids. Work. I guess I have to remind myself that it isn't really what I want. I have given up so much these last few years. I have gained so much too. I have gained a loving partner and I would not trade that for anything. But I have lost myself. I have lost myself in a lifestyle and a job I don't belong to. I keep thinking that if I find a way to eliminate some of the extra stuff I do that it would reduce the burden and make it more doable. Its the culture. I have already identified that, but I haven't come to own it. I need to own that its not a good fit. I thought that I wanted to be part of something big, something new, something that would make a difference. It appears that while maybe its still what I want, its not what I am getting from my current situation. I look at my job like friends. I have a core group of very few friends and I am very loyal to them. I would rather put in a lot of quality time with a few, than a little amount of time with many. In my job, I am expected to put in a little time (and a lot of time) all over the place. It goes against my basic nature, thus making me feel like I do not do anything very well.

There it is for me to see. Its not right. Its not a good fit. Its not even for the kids, while I might be skinned for saying such a thing, but I have no more energy or love for what I do. Its not fair to the kids anymore than its fair to me. So, somehow, someway, this will be the last year at my school. I should have spent the summer looking for jobs, not houses, but some of use are just late-bloomers. I have no idea what my next move will be. I presented a business idea to JE last night and he thought it was pretty great, but I always feel like that stuff is just a pipe dream. Maybe I will go back to school. Maybe I will work for a non-profit. Maybe I will work at a coffee shop until I figure it out. Regardless, I'd rather be happy doing nothing than miserable doing something I don't love.

Ready to come about

Remember that scene in office space where Peter and Joanna are having lunch and he tells her "I uh... I don't like my job, and, uh... I don't think I'm gonna go anymore." That's how I felt after spending a week contemplating. But see, I'm not allowed to say such things because (a) we're in this terrible recession and I'm just lucky to have a a job, right?!? and (b) I just had many weeks off, so how bad can it be, really. So, I don't tell people that because they tell me I'm lucky to have a job and aren't I on "vacation." Here's the deal about my "vacation." I see it as sort of pointless really. I mean, I love the time to recover, but I don't get to choose when that recovery occurs, I have to wait until schools out, so its not always the greatest. Sometimes I wonder if we had year round school, if life would be less hectic. Its also sort of like the Italian dilemma. Its great to have all this time off, but when you don't have the funds to go anywhere and enjoy it, sort of seems like I might as well be working. Regardless, I don't like my job. That was the conclusion I came to after 10 days away from the chaos. Twenty hours, ten of which were solo, there and back gives you a lot of time to think. I thought I wanted to buy a house, because the market is down and there are some decent programs for teachers, but when all is said and done I couldn't imagine doing my job for long enough to support my buying a home. So, in the end it looks like finding another job and saving more to buy a house makes a lot more sense. The question now is what do I really want to do...

Sucia Island sunset











Mama Harbor Seal and Baby














Buchart Gardens











Orcas seen from the Anacortes Ferry











Monster zucchini that grew while no one was there to pick it