Overgrown mess

(This picture is for wintermute, it actually is about 3 feet taller now, ugh.)

My lovely garden has suddenly become an analogy for my being. It is an overgrown, neglected, tangled mess that is now locked behind a monstrous fence. After ten days of vacation, from my vacation - yes, i see the hilarity, I came back to a mess. And to boot, a mess behind a locked gate. It felt so frustrating, mirroring all that I am currently struggling with, and I melted. The reality of buying a house faded, the reality of my feelings about my job resurfaced, the reality about my severe lack of motivation set in, and I just cried for my plants. My poor, entangled, locked up plants. It felt like my arms had been cut off. Perhaps a totally ridiculous response to the mess, but that's what I was - a mess. Typically I spend my summers working and playing. This summer, I find myself sitting, staring, vacant. I dread going back to work. Not because its work, but because I don't care anymore. I don't enjoy it. It isn't right. I got so caught up in thinking I could make the house happen that I didn't stop to think about the fact that I was in no way going to be able to do my job for enough years to afford the house. I got caught up in how far behind the program I felt. Not married, no house, few assets. Its amazing how easily one can "jump on the bandwagon." Who's program? Certainly not my own. My program meant travel, living abroad, finding a job I enjoy, enjoying the environment I live in and enjoying the people I care about. I spend so much time falling apart and crying over the things I detest, that all of that has fallen away. I have been told that perhaps I just won't like anything I do because its in my head. I have been told that I should be grateful I have a job. I have been told that I should just be happy. What I am doing now is making me miserable and I keep thinking I can make it better if I just try harder, work harder, work more.

There is still so much of that past generation mentality programmed into us. Married. House. Kids. Work. I guess I have to remind myself that it isn't really what I want. I have given up so much these last few years. I have gained so much too. I have gained a loving partner and I would not trade that for anything. But I have lost myself. I have lost myself in a lifestyle and a job I don't belong to. I keep thinking that if I find a way to eliminate some of the extra stuff I do that it would reduce the burden and make it more doable. Its the culture. I have already identified that, but I haven't come to own it. I need to own that its not a good fit. I thought that I wanted to be part of something big, something new, something that would make a difference. It appears that while maybe its still what I want, its not what I am getting from my current situation. I look at my job like friends. I have a core group of very few friends and I am very loyal to them. I would rather put in a lot of quality time with a few, than a little amount of time with many. In my job, I am expected to put in a little time (and a lot of time) all over the place. It goes against my basic nature, thus making me feel like I do not do anything very well.

There it is for me to see. Its not right. Its not a good fit. Its not even for the kids, while I might be skinned for saying such a thing, but I have no more energy or love for what I do. Its not fair to the kids anymore than its fair to me. So, somehow, someway, this will be the last year at my school. I should have spent the summer looking for jobs, not houses, but some of use are just late-bloomers. I have no idea what my next move will be. I presented a business idea to JE last night and he thought it was pretty great, but I always feel like that stuff is just a pipe dream. Maybe I will go back to school. Maybe I will work for a non-profit. Maybe I will work at a coffee shop until I figure it out. Regardless, I'd rather be happy doing nothing than miserable doing something I don't love.