Pain Receptors

I always thought I was pretty normal on the pain scale. C4 and I had a conversation about pain tonight. I get really bad cramps during that "time of the month." I remember my best friend in high school had such terrible ones and she would stay home for a few days. She eventually went on the pill and they subsided. I never really thought that the pain was that bad. Until, I also started on b.c. because it was suggested by my obgyn. Then I had a pain free one. No 800 mg of motrin twice a day, no hot baths at 2 am to help the pain, no heating pads stuck to my stomach, and no restless nights. So when I mentioned to C4 all of this, I said, "Well they were a 5 on my pain scale - 1 being getting burned by hot water or a hot pan, 10 being a dislocated shoulder." I assumed that was reasonable. Then she said, "Mine are a 5 on my pain scale - 1 being no pain, 10 being getting burned." Okay. I just figured pain was all part of the deal. That kind of stinks. All this time I could have been normal. I think that pain is very interesting. Some people live in pain every day. I lived in pain every day for a couple of years. Every day is measured by the level of pain. A good day is not pain free, its just less painful. Maybe it means that you do not have a headache or your arm does not go numb. Maybe it means that you are not crying because it is so horrible. If you are lucky, like me, its stress related and you can figure out how to deal with it. Pain sucks.

It makes me think of that Lois Lowry book, The Giver, the people do not experience pain. Is the joy of life lost because we do not experience any pain?

Not that desperate...

I like being single. I like being alone. I also like meeting people and being with my wonderful friends and family. Some times I think I will find that special person, other times I think that I have it pretty good and that would get in the way. Call it selfish. However, the rest of the world seems to think that because I am not dating, married, or with child, I must be miserable. (Actually, that seems to kind of make me more miserable...)

One of my students showed up one morning and said her uncle wanted to know if I wanted to go have dinner, or perhaps Starbucks. It was kind of cute. I had no recollection of what this person looked like, or even when he saw me. He comes to pick her up, sometimes before the end of the day, and I do not pay much attention to whose doing the picking-up, as I am busily shuffling kids in different directions. Since then he has come by twice with grandma to come get her. Today I was wearing a shortish, kind of tight skirt and knee high boots. (Sorry for looking fabulous. Just because I am a teacher, does not mean I am a fuddy-duddy in a sack dress -EWW! I detest the sack dress.) So, when uncle came to get the niece, we had to shimmy over and get her off the bus. While walking back toward my class (they were behind me for a spell,) I hear him tell his niece, "Your teacher looks very pretty today, no?" Okay, he wanted me to hear. Nice touch.

I thought about it and came up with two things: (1) Is there anything really morally reprehensible to dating a student's relative? (We're assuming they are of age, of course;) (2) What are my aversions to dating this person? (Regardless, I do not want to date my student's uncle, rest assured.)

To the first, not really, but it might make for a lot of gossip and one would probably want to wait until the student was no longer in the class. To the second, well, that made me a little uncomfortable, because it made me shallow. Let's imagine the student's uncle is the adorably hunky climbing instructor at the gym with those sparkling eyes and strong climbing arms, and is working on a marine science PhD, who evidently shares much in common with fabulous teacher. Would that tip the scales?

Ah, these moral dilemmas. It really all is shades of gray.

Exhaustion

Is it really possible to fall asleep while drinking a cup of coffee? I think I was tired.

I skipped out on track practice this week (again!) and decided to bake a quiche. I had left over pie crust. Oh, I baked a pumpkin pie on Sunday. I have a convection oven, so this means that cooking is always an experiment. Convection actually works brillant for cooking crust. It does not burn the crust, so you do not have to worry about whether or not you have aluminum foil to wrap around the crust edges. I do not have aluminum foil, as it were. I kind of forgot to put sugar in the pie mix too. There was a little bit of it in the canned mix and you mix in spices and (gasp!) cream and it actually was not bad. I am a savory person anyhow. However, it appears that lack of sugar (or my convection oven) caused the pie to need about two hours to fully cook.

The quiche came from Molly Katzen's Sunlight Cafe cookbook. Again, because I often do not have the right cooking wares or ingredients, I improvise. It was also quite edible. My efforts with the crust were the most surprising. I have, perhaps, on one other occassion made a crust. Mom is the crust master. Her crusts are perfect. This crust was better than good. Of course, considering I do not have a rolling pin or a pie pan (just a round glass dish,) I have certainly acquired an adeptness for cooking in the studio kitchen.

It should be known that my home has the following: a bar fridge, a convection oven (looks like a large microwave,) a toaster oven on its last leg, and a unit that contains a sink, fridge and two burners all in one. All of this is housed in a "kitchen" space perhaps six feet by 10 feet. Hardly gourmet, but I have managed to produce a lot of delicious meals in my limited space and with limited gadgets.

However, between the pie and the quiche, I am wondering if too much rich food is the reason for my feeling so tired. I did manage to run six miles and then eat a salad and some yogurt. Perhaps that will help. Oh, and I do not think I like quiche as much as I thought I would. I like vegetables, cheese, and eggs immensely, but somehow in a pie it did not do it for me. So I will not need to skip any more track practices to make quiche.

Beauty

I had a beautiful experience this morning. I was run/walking my miles today. It was a gorgeous sunny morning to begin with and the run along the cliffs proved, as always, spectacular. On my way back across the train trellis, the final mile to my house, the ocean was terribly calm, the sun caused rays of blues to bend and skirt the surface, and a single man stood on the train tracks looking out into the sparkling sun playing a saxophone. It was beautiful. His music created a whole new dimension to the scence of the ocean meeting the river and the glitter of the sun. It was my moment of complete joy for today. Thank you.

Poof!

I am reading The Elegant Gathering of White Snows right now. It is a reminder of my wonderful friends and too much a call to pick up and walk away. I suppose it could be said that its easy to walk away when things are hard. But at the moment I am not even sure that is what it is about. I had a wierd night, followed by pretty much the entire day in my bed with that book. I haven't finished it yet because part of me does not want to give up my "friend." Part of me does not want to face the realization that I need to make a choice. I seem to have come to a crossroads. The evidence is coming in strong against my continuing in my profession. I thought I was stronger than the rest. I figured I had a tough enough skin that I could make it, I would not end up another statistic. I am on my way to being that statistic. I have neither the patience or the enthusiasm to continue. All too often, I seem to go through such cycles. I chalk it up to mental health, but somehow it has become much more than that...I used to think all the time about how I could make it better, about lessons, about projects that I would like to do, about ways to improve my school. I do not think about those things any more. Not when I run, not when I cook, not when I come home at night, go to school or even at school. There is no love for it. And it gives me pause. Perhaps this is not what I should be doing. I have this fantasy about a little old victorian house somewhere sort of rural and remote with a wonderful garden and some livestock, perhaps a sort of B&B or retreat. Maybe I teach yoga on the side or literacy to adults. Ah, to dream.

This is my life...

Going to work these days holds about as much excitment as walking across tacks in bare feet. I can not very well say that I am enjoying much about this year and as it progresses, less and less. Then, you just get really down on yourself because its not fair to the kids. And the vicious cycle begins. Here is a snap shot of the kind of pats on the back you might get (taken from a recent bulletin):

"Staff FYI’s:
2. Teachers, if you send students to the office, please send a note telling us why they are here. Otherwise we will send them back. We have had up to 8 kids in the office doing homework or to talk to someone and no one has a note.
3. Please do not teach your students to walk on the yellow line in the halls. They need to walk outside the yellow line to keep from getting hit by doors. (**this one is in the bulletin at least twice a year**)
4. When out on the playground in line, please walk your students around other lines. Some teachers are walking their students right through other teachers’ lines.
5. I don’t see what’s going on in front of the school at 2:00 because I’m always at bus duty, but I understand it gets pretty hectic. We discussed at leadership having one teacher from each grade (1-3) make sure the students are sitting in front of the school while waiting for their parents. Fourth and fifth students would find their sibs and sit with them. Teachers would help facilitate students getting to cars safely. Talk to your leadership rep about this."

Nine times out of ten, that is what it feels like in my work environment - naga, nag, nag...everything is a mess and you do nothing right. As for the way you teach, you pretty much NEVER hear good job or have support from the people around you. And then they wonder why I do not feel comfortable coming to them when I am having a tough day. Because I feel like I am always being judged and scrutinized. Typically, I have a pretty thick skin for this, but lately, I am just sick and tired of it. It is making me miserable because nothing ever seems good enough. I do not even really feel like going to work and bothering to put in the effort, in fact, yesterday I didn't. And everybody behaves like a martyr because they want to be noticed. It is sucking the soul out of me. And I honestly have to considered whether this is (a) in my head, as in I am crazy, depressed, whatever, (b) I really need to change schools, or (c) I am not meant to teach.

The only one that truly scares me is the first one. Which probably also means the third one. Either way, its Friday, I am going to work on that bouldering route again and try to forget how much a detest my working environment. Then I will get a nice bottle of something and attempt to get to a movie with my neighbor. Here's to the small stuff...Happy Friday, bezatches!