A week of recharging

I mastered the art of the "stay-cation." A week off. I did yoga, ran, sat in the sun, watched the tree in front of my window bloom, shopped for Spring - garden and wardrobe, and planned for the next stage of my life. It was a nice way to recharge my batteries.

Last night we went to friends for a barbecue and I think I pretty much undid my weeks of healthy eating and solid exercise in one sitting. I made a Pear and Almond Tart as I had been wanting to try my hand at it for awhile. I have this bad habit of thinking I can improvise with cooking equipment and this is one of those times I should have bought the needed instrument. In this case, I needed a pastry pan. It certainly tasted divine, but it didn't look as pretty as it could have. Its one of those desserts that when someone asks you "What's in it?", you ask them if they really want to know because the answer is pretty much "butter." Julia Childs was right, there just is no substitute for butter.

In failure, success

I find myself back at square one. I spent a long time figuring out that my current job, and perhaps even career, is not right for me. Somehow, I seemed to think that I could quickly, and even easily, find something that is right. I have never really gone about this in a very methodical way. A good friend once asked me whether I would truly like teaching or just thought I would because I knew some people who had good experiences. I think that for a long time I didn't want him to be right. A few months back I came to that realization that when people asked me about how I felt about my job, the response did not reflect a true love for my profession as it should. I had come to a point where I was in more of a "what else can I do" situation, rather than "I can't imagine doing anything else" situation. Some tell me I am crazy to leave my job in June, with nothing lined up. That is not entirely the case. I have something lined up. I have a plan to determine a better path for me. In the meantime, I will volunteer with organizations that might align my path, I will substitute teach to cover the bills, and perhaps get a weekend job at a bookstore or local grocery store to fill in the gaps.

Perhaps it is crazy, no one leaves a good job in this down economy. That's just it, if I don't leave now another year, two, maybe three will go by and I just further postpone the necessary. This is known: I need to find my path and for too long I have been following the paths of others because I thought this was how it was done. The problem with this is that I am not them. I am me. I have followed the safe path and now its time to take a risk and find the right path. Of course its not easy, but I won't starve. Its not as if I will never get another job. I can do things in the meantime to make money to cover my bills. I may be scared to death, but I also feel a strange peace in making this decision. It is right.

Waiting...

I applied for a new job. I interviewed once in October, again in January, and now I wait. Someone had warned me that this particular employer can take up to six months to hire someone. They weren't kidding. At the end of this month, it will be six months. I can't say that I am not frustrated right now and a bit disappointed. I thought everything went really well and I was exceptionally well qualified for this job. As it is basically starting from an entry level position, for which I come with loads of experience and training. I realize that nothing has been determined yet, I would at least expect a "no thank you" courtesy call since I was a top candidate "out of hundreds" - their words - and have already interviewed twice. But the waiting has sunk me into a bit of a gloom. I was so hopeful that the awful situation I have been in was possibly coming to an end. It still is, the goal is still not to go back, but without something secure, that is scary. I can always put myself out there as a substitute teacher. I am sure that even just targeting bilingual classrooms, I would get plenty of work. This last week, I put in 15-plus hour days between getting up for the morning gym, driving to and from work, the time at work, and the work I did at home. Yesterday I slept like I was on vacation. I read a book (so good, get The Thirteenth Tale or put it on your list if its not already,) and basically vegged. Its time for another break.

In another vein, it seems that others are increasingly unhappy at my school, for many of the same reasons I had been banging my head against the wall. Its weird. It doesn't change how I plan to move forward. Many of my coworkers are at the beginning stages of where I was, so its strange to watch the emotion. In the early stages I vented to people who were safe. First, it was colleagues (both of which have since left) and friends and family, then it was a professional. They all reflected the same things and eventually I arrived at the realization that a safe, healthy work environment for me is very different from what my school expects and pursues. I search for a place I can grow intellectually, professionally, and, in all honesty, financially. I seek accolades for my creativity and hard work, whether in the form of positive feedback or a raise. I seek feedback in general that helps me improve and advance. I know myself well. I am hard enough on myself. I think there are two speeds - fast and stop. The professional has helped me to realize that just because I am seeking something in between those speeds, doesn't make me a loser or a slacker. I seek to work with people who have honor, integrity and vision. I know its all too much to ask, and who do I think I am, you ask. I am anyone who is confident, honest, well-educated, disciplined, thoughtful, loyal (like a pit bull) and hard-working. I am arrogant, self centered and passionate. Hate me or don't, it matters little any more. I am not spiteful, vengeful, determined at the expense of all else and others. I am not horrible, cutthroat or cunning. So, I seek these things, its not so awful, its not asking so much. I ask that you shed your jealousy, your lack of confidence, your personal agendas, your fear that I might take your job, and be a mentor, a confidant, and a kick-ass employer. That's all. Not so much. If I have learned anything from the past six months of head examination, its that I get to maintain my sovereignty (as I have heard it called,) and I get to decide what is best for me. Here's to hoping I will find it.