I do not post these days. I do not read my friends posts. I have been the neighbor that you occasionally see and wonder, "Hmm, what apartment does that girl live in? I don't think I've seen her before?" My days pretty much start at 0darkhundred and end at roughly the same. Its not really necessary. JE and I had the talk a few weeks ago about my hours. Ironically, then he turns around and works 11 days straight. He's working today, Sunday. Which is sort of good because I can work on planning and not feel guilty that he doesn't get my undivided attention. However, there was the need to do this first. So, I will probably dork around for another hour, do some more online shoe shopping,(Hey, its cold where I am going this winter break and I don't have shoes for it, I'm a CA girl,) then go for the first run of the week. It helps if I have something to train for, I've found. Right now, there is nothing and my schedule is picking up even more, so exercise is becoming a thing of the past - not good, makes me cranky.
On that note, I haven't decided if I like my new job or not. I do love teaching. I enjoy most of the 4th graders. I am NOT enjoying the fact that I sacrifice the quality of my teaching for the quality of my life, as I have not found that happy medium. I have agreed to certain limits. I work a ten hour day and another ten on the weekends and then that's it. I am home to cook and eat dinner with JE. And I am supposed to be present for this time together. Often, I am not. My mind thinks about the expectations, the work unfinished, the problem student who JE is about to put through a window, and all the ways I am falling short. Pretty typical behavior for me. This weekend was a nice break. I cleaned my apartment yesterday, then JE and I went to some fund raising event for local schools. We didn't stay long because there wasn't any liquid of the gods for sale and eventually we wanted some. It was fun and a gorgeous setting. Then we went to Home Depot. He got materials for his new project and I bought garden stuff. We stopped off at the mall, watched various sporting events in the bar at Chili's, then ate while continuing to watch sadly as the Bears fell to OSU.
(Please tell me, WHY DID WE NOT KICK A FIELD GOAL AND GO INTO OT??? Anyone?!?! Just so sad. It was going to be so sweet, if only for a week, to have your team in first place. After years of frustration, losses and not so great teams, it would have just been a moment of loveliness, but alas.)
We came home, chatted and watched the various stops and starts of movies on cable (a new thing to me.) I sort of just block it out, but I would not have the TV on quite so much if it were just me. Quiet conversation or a good book would be just fine. Ah, the compromises.
As for the poo-pooing the commute, yeah it stinks, but its really the long hours more than anything that are taking their toll. It just sort of burns you out.
I also feel frustrated with this expectation of teachers that we must figure out ways for dealing with students who chronically misbehave or have severe emotional issues. We are human beings. I am trained to teach children. I am trained to meet their learning needs. I have 20 students in my class. One of those students is like having 10 extras. His behavior is violent, constantly takes away from other students, and seems to be fueled by parents who do not impose severe consequences at home. It seems that there are too many excuses being made for this child. It seems that he has continually been permitted to behave differently from other students because there is something wrong with him. Well, that just doesn't fly.
On Friday, and this is a repeat offense, he got frustrated, began blurting out his frustrations in the middle of a test, threw himself on the floor for a bit, then when I asked him to make a choice as to whether he would go finish his test next door or in the office so as not to continue to disrupt other students, he began slamming the chair from side to side. I gave him a choice to leave and run a lap, come back, get his test and stay in the office until he finished, but that wasn't to his liking either. He told me he hated me and I was the worst teacher ever. He asked why I didn't understand that there was something wrong with him when everybody else does. That's when I told him that the only thing wrong with him was that he was acting like a two year old and that pretty silly to boot. And in my head, "And you lack a good arse whipping!" Mind you, I have dealt with this behavior everyday since the start of school - sometimes worse, sometimes milder. Everyone has limits.
This idea that we are just supposed to deal with it and that the child's hyperactivity should be permission for his bad behavior is just a load of bull. At my friend's school in Chicago, they have a police officer on campus. Such behavior results in the arrival of personal with the capacity to deal with such an outburst. I have no recourse. This child participates in football. While a necessary and good outlet, I don't think this child deserves to be in football if he can't actually apply the same behavior - discipline, hard work, listening, perseverance - to school. He does not just get to interrupt the class anymore. Punto! Yes, there are children who have severe emotional issues or learning disabilities. This child has ADHD. And a whole lot of people making excuses for why he can not learn. I know hundreds of adults - my peers - who were 'diagnosed' just that way, or who expressed hyperactivity. It doesn't mean they didn't learn how to behave in class and respect their teachers. Their parents would have beat them three ways to the moon if they didn't. I am not saying that is the right answer either, but this expectation that teachers will endure this sort of behavior makes me very wary to continue in this profession. I am not the type of person who can remove herself from the behavior (and believe me, I do a pretty good job at this for the most part,) I feel myself fill up with immense rage when this child behaves this way and I fear the day when I might actually just walk out of the classroom and never come back. There will not be any other recourse, I will reach that point. Which would, of course mean, that I probably will never be employed again. Guess I better learn the construction business.
So, I think and think and think, if this isn't it, what would be the logical next step. JE is immensely supportive and has the typical guy attitude, "its just a job, quit." Which has merit. The consequences are far more long-reaching. I might very well want to stay in some aspect of education, so that prevents me from doing anything too rash, but maybe that means I just start applying to grad school or line up something menial up for the summer. Or it might mean finding ways to teach adults.
Its nice to have someone that shares all of this with you. Its new to me. Living together is new for me also, but working out better than I expected. It is a challenge, but we both maintain a certain degree of reason and humor, so I guess that's what its all about. You do the HOKEY-POKEY!
