Reset

JE says that I am a different person when I am on vacation and, most especially, when I am with my family. He says I am a happier, calmer me. Now, if only, I could transfer that person to my present situation.

After two months of work continually overwhelming me, I realize how needed this break was. It certainly wasn't long enough. I came to a few realizations. First, I am failing miserably at setting boundaries. Instead of balancing work and life, work has consumed me. I take on more responsibilities. I stay until 6 or later most nights, then drive an hour home. I fall asleep by 9:30, get up at 4:30, go to the gym and repeat this insane cycle. Despite getting paid for certain extra activities, it is too much. What's the point of extra money if I am miserable. The year started off well enough, but as things were added to my plate, everything started spiraling away from me. The main focus - the kids, the learning - is lost in the muddle of the administration needs, the meetings, the extra after-school teachings, the extra events, the trying to support another teacher who was not right for the job and is not picking things up quickly enough to take some burden off of me. I made some decisions. First, I will not continue to do the after-school teaching two days a week. I will try with one and then have to fit the other learning into the daily lessons. Or they can find someone else to do it - who also would have to plan for it. Next, I need to shift some of the burden of useless teacher somehow. This may just be a sit down with the person to let them know that certain things need to happen on their part. This may be asking my principal for some help. Finally, I am making some decisions about meeting time. Our meetings area a waste of time at the moment because no one bothers to see what our needs are. A meeting that was supposed to be this month was changed at the last minute to next month. I have a previously scheduled appointment for that date because that is how things work. And well, life will just have to progress without me.

The other realization I had was that I am back to the same place I was last year. The same place I was the year before and the same place a year prior to that. The problem is I either (a) need to learn (with some outside help) how to balance and set boundaries so I can enjoy my work more; or (b) need to realize that this is not the profession (or just perhaps school) for me and its time to move on. So this year my gift to myself is to seek out a life coach or a counselor or a head doctor, if you prefer, and try to figure this out. I keep saying I am going to do this, but I put it off because there is never any time. Right. I never make the time because I am too concerned about letting something go at work. I can't keep waiting for the right moment to be the person that I am when I am on vacation or with my family or exercising or at home with JE on the weekends. I either do something about it or continue to be miserable. And I think I am done being miserable. Its just dumb.